Week 4: Jan 29

I've got like zero time to write: work is insanely busy. I feel stretched to the max, and I wonder whether I am going to make it through school OK. I am trying to balance school, work, and a social life -- I'm trying not to let any of it suffer, but I think in the end the thing that's suffering is me and my stress.

I keep wondering about the idea of stopping the client from speaking. This happened the past 2 weeks, where I wanted to interrupt somehow, but didn't. I think it's important to allow the client the space they need to talk, but if they start wandering off someplace else then perhaps there's a way to reign them in? Or maybe it's better to just let them wander, as since I don't know where they're going perhaps I should let them, as they may be getting to some important detail?

I'm thinking there's a balance of some sort there.

I'll try to write more later...

Week 3

Last night was quite uncomfortable during my counseling session. For some reason, I found myself being almost condescending to Bill. This is pointing to a very important subject for me: a person's personality has quite a drastic effect on how I treat them. And as a counselor, I will need to minimize this to the best of my ability.

Bill has always come across to me as almost "too interested," or "too concerned" about whatever it is we're talking about. Don't know how better to explain it, but he has a manner of speaking and being that rubs me as disingenuous. And this caused me to question a lot of what he was saying.

As I think about this a day later, I'm thinking that questioning his answers and his priorities was perfectly appropriate -- it was the manner in which I questioned him that is the problem. I showed almost zero empathy, and became almost confrontational.

I know what I was aiming to do: clarify his answers, and allow him to see how his answers to the question (the benefits to NOT changing) were all actually benefits to changing -- but I was doing so in what turned out to be a rude and condescending manner. Kind of a "can't you SEE how simple the anwers are, you dimwit" kind of feel to my attitude.

I also had it reinforced that my facial expressions are quite strong: I can even feel myself doing certain things with my face (cocking my head to one side, raising eyebrows, scowling, etc), and though I don't mean to they just happen.

I wonder now if some measure of "acting the part" can be used here. I did a lot of acting in college, wonder if I should try in a way to create a role for myself - one that's not made up per se, but rather is real and genuine, but perhaps (if nothing more) a physical manner of being that I can try to step into that may help me do the following:
- keep my vocal inflections from becoming rude, arrogant, or sounding condesceinding
- keep my facial expressions from causing the client to feel uncomfortable or question what I may be thinking, or to keep my expression from showing disbelief, disgust, etc.

On a positive note - while I was the observer I felt much more in tune with what was going on. I was able to give what I believe was good feedback, and pointed out some things to Bill that he was not at all aware that he was doing. While last week I felt like I had barely anything to contribute, last night I was able to remain more focused and thus able to hear what was going on more clearly.

One of the things I wrote about in my paper was that I was worried about being uncomfortable counseling women I found attractive. I don't think that will be nearly as big an issue as I thought earlier -- what will be more of an issue is my interactions with men. I've never interacted very well or on a very open level with men, and so this will be a challenge. I think this may have been partly in play last night with Bill. It didn't seem to occur last week with Matt, but (god I hope this doesn't sound horrible) Matt's being gay changes the interaction in a way that makes it more comfortable for me - more akin to interacting with a woman (not that Matt is like a woman in any way). Not sure what to make of that.

Class2 - first night practicing

First night practicing; only have a couple minutes:
- was nervous about it all day
- was both relieved and disappointed when we were told it was only 6 minutes
- need work on my observational skills: I barely had anything to say to Matt
- I felt comfortable in the counselor scenario, though I was very aware when Paul was observing me
- I did second-guess myself a couple times as counselor
- I need to learn and practice the intents/responses MUCH more, as I felt like I was just flying by the seat of my pants
- I'm self-conscious that my feedback will be perceived as too negative: it's easier to point out the things that were weird or bad than the good parts (I found myself straining to find 'good' things to say; and that's not to say the session was bad, it just wasn't brilliant and was easier to find the faults than the triumphs)

...more later...

106 - class 1

I've been looking forward to this class for a while now. Now that it's started, though, I'm nervous. Why? I don't know - it's kind of an odd thing to be nervous about training.

I was thinking last night that I may have made a very odd career choice here: I often think of myself as uncomfortable talking to people I don't know very well. Yet that will be the nature of my job in many ways. Though I appreciated when Paul said that counseling is more listening than anything.

I do realize, though, that this is not just having a conversation with someone - the things I will be learning in this (and other) classes will help guide me in creating directed "conversations" with the clients.

I need to look at the sylabus again; I forget if there's something specific we're supposed to include in this. For now, I'll sign off here...